There are times in life where you come to a crossroads. Where you have to make the choice to either remain as you are, or progress towards the person you were destined to become. When you choose the path of progress, the amount of growth it results in typically won’t reveal itself to you at the moment, but instead comes in waves. These waves can be difficult- testing your limits each time. But, as you inch forward, you find that your strength builds from wave to wave. You are able to look back at how far you’ve come and feel a sense of confidence that you can keep going. This confidence then becomes hope, and the catalyst to continue.
There are times in life where you come to a crossroads. Where you have to make the choice to either remain as you are, or progress towards the person you were destined to become.
A couple of years ago, I found myself at this crossroads. I had become fed up with the state of things in my life… I was restless. What I didn’t realize at the time was the extent to which I contributed to the very thing that frustrated me. I had a tendency to put undue pressure on myself and over-function in my relationships, all coming from a place of wanting to be accepted. To avoid rejection, I would over-extend myself and try to be and do everything for others. It got to the point where, feeling so overwhelmed with it all, I didn’t want to do absolutely anything.
Although I had sensed that something was wrong within my relationship, I thought it was because I simply wasn’t doing enough. If I did more, I could fix it! Yet, over time, this created an unhealthy relationship dynamic that bred resentment in me, and eventually led to said state of feeling “fed up.”
When I had finally come to the end of myself, I prayed a dangerous prayer. A prayer for pruning. I asked the Lord to remove anything and everything that was standing in the way of me fulfilling the fullness of the calling He had placed on my life. At the time, I didn’t quite expect Him to remove me from the most prominent relationship in my life, my marriage. No, not that… That was my pride in life- it had at that point become an idol. If I’m being honest, it had become even more than that- it had become my identity.
When I had finally come to the end of myself, I prayed a dangerous prayer.
I’m now in a season of life I had no intention of returning to- dating. And as I’m navigating this new stage in life, I’m taking what I’ve learned from my previous experience and having the opportunity to walk it out. I’m learning to express my authentic self and stick to my moral guns. I’m choosing to prioritize my faith and not waver on the things my flesh desires. I’m saying no to overextension, to over-functioning- although the temptation to fall back into that tendency is very real… I am by no means perfect in this pursuit, but I am progressing nonetheless.
I am by no means perfect in this pursuit, but I am progressing nonetheless.
I’m also working on coming to terms with the fact that being married again may not be in the cards for me. This is something I do desire for myself, but I am leaning into just desiring God’s best, above all else. In the meantime, regardless of what happens, I will make every effort to allow Him to continue the internal work that He’s started and bring it to full completion. It would be the honor of my life to make Him proud.
If you’re finding yourself feeling discouraged as you’re dating in quarantine, or feeling a sense of hopelessness currently in your singleness, I want to extend some encouragement your way. It can be difficult to not just settle for what’s convenient to combat the loneliness, but don’t. Stay true to yourself, know your worth, and choose the path of progress. You never know who you might meet on the way.
How will you choose a path of progress to become your destined self?
Until next time,
Kay's Dossier 